May 22, 2012

Life is an MMORPG

MMORPG - Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game

"Hey, Lets make a blog!", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. By the way, I've the writing skills on par with that of a flat-head screw driver.

Right. I guess it's time for an introduction to my soul. I'm an intellectual. I'm an atheist. I'm a narcissist. I'm not Batman... though I really wish I was (But that's a story for another time). I find my ventures to establish connections with humans and perform the menial (to you) task of communication quite daunting yet humorous. This blog is about what I think about everything - the society, the country, the world, the soul mate, the life, the imaginary friend and... me.

I have always felt out of place. I've always found most people around me stupid. Eventually, anyone would begin to think that there was something wrong with me. Yes, that would be true and I began to think the same too. I defined people that did "good" (by society's standards), helped others, helped the old lady cross the road, gave a dollar to the blind man, (well you get the gist of it), etc,... stupid. The individual is greater than the collective. No one does anything for anyone for the sheer fun of it. There is no "good" and "evil". There is no black and white and my world was painted with shades of gray. There's a thin line that separates realism and pessimism and I wasn't riding the unicycle of life on it regardless of the fact that I believed (and claimed) to be a realist. That was my darkness and I was quite familiar with it from a very young age. Sociopath, much?

As you might have astutely observed, the above paragraph is indeed presented in the past tense. Things did change for the little robot. But, along the way, as a loner, I did pick up certain skills of survival - A mask with a smile and eyes of kindness, a tongue that could spout both words of honey and poison according to its master's will, being ridiculously slow to anger (I found being angry very wasteful) and the ability to adapt to any environment. I had never felt most common emotions, say, home-sickness, sadness when someone died, the feeling of loss. For example if I had lost something, say, my phone, instead of fretting over lost mail and dear contacts, I'd gauge its value as an object in my life and its immediate replacement. I never took souvenirs from the places I visited, for they held no meaning to me. I'd readily pawn off a watch gifted to me by my dying grandfather to accommodate a new one that would weigh less and would have more features. I was an introvert that played the role of an extrovert perfectly. I preferred no company over any company.

Human: "Hey! Why didn't you help me out?"
Robot: "I didn't feel like it..."

It did not feel right. I was now in college and I felt was putting way too much effort in believing I had darkness in me and pretending to be an evil wizard hell bent on destroying the world. It reached a point where I was a blank sheet. Neither black, white nor gray... just transparent and empty. It's been a while since then. I figured I could repaint myself and had adopted, "Go with the flow!", "Fake it till you make it!", etc. I found myself doing "good" deeds with a thought smashing through my head right after, "The f**k did I just do...". This kept happening for a while till the after thought no longer appeared. I had turned to the Light side and felt stupid yet I had a real smile. Something that I never had before. I do not remember when I began to smile or even learnt to do so in the first place. I liked being stupid. I realized that I had gathered a lot of acquaintances along the way and I began turning some of them into friends. This was all in my mind hence no one really knew anything about... well, anything. The robot grew a heart.

The mask had been worn with no intentions to harm anyone, rather it was a shield. Cowardice controlled my emotion. I kept people at an arms length in order to avoid getting hurt. I had a lot of acquaintances and no friends. I was afraid to let anyone too close. And I had never done otherwise until recently.

ALRIGHT! Enough of the freaking sob story. Life goes as it should and I usually "go with the flow" except on certain mornings when I feel really energetic (this blog was a result of one of those moments). Honestly, I speak to myself more than any other human. There are times when I walk around with an imaginary katana (Japanese sword) in my left hand whilst going about my daily life. I run an imaginary battle between a human with the soul of a dragon battling hordes from hell... while I exercise. I shall introduce you to my air friend (same concept as an air guitar) some day. I've been told that I cannot live alone... that I need friends, family and neighbors. I am a robot of solitude. There are times when I refuse to answer any calls or reply to any messages so that I can be left alone. My door was always locked... from the inside.

What am I getting at? I'm not so sure myself. I'm at that point in my life where I could go either side. The unicycle of life is pretty fun to ride. I call it a unicycle because unlike a bicycle it cannot roll on its on. You need to constantly keep pedaling it and that requires a good deal of practice (not skill). If you stop pedaling it, it'll stop too. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to be my older self. But, I'm scared to accept that I've changed for the better (Yes, I know how ridiculous this sounds). I probably do realize that I need people in my life, but I just hate to admit it (I'm stubborn as hell).

The world is not perfect... therefore, it is.